Goin' rogue in GR

The national media descended upon Grand Rapids today as Sarah Palin kicked off her book tour.

Love her or hate her, Palin is "going rogue," visiting all the "right" smaller cities and towns (pun intended) so it is most appropriate Michigan's hotbed of conservatism is her first stop.

Ah, Sarah Palin. I can't help but think "Tina Fey" when I see her!

I toyed with the idea of "going rogue." I love politics and enjoy meeting political figures, regardless of their politics. So when the radio kicked on this morning and I heard my favorite morning show (and fellow Central Michigan University alums) had sent Producer Joe to the bookstore to "cheerlead" for Sarah Palin I knew I had to be there (this is a MUST listen by the way!).

Producer Joe quickly won the crowd over with his megaphone and zest. He started out by declaring his love for Sarah Palin and America then cheering "When I say 'Levi Johnston' you say 'douche bag.'"

In fact, people in line near me actually believed he was legit, despite the fact he yelled, "When I say 'teenage'" you say 'pregnancy'" and tricked the crowd with his cheer "When I say 'pro' you say 'choice.'" They actually played along.Then they realized their faux pas. And boo'ed. To which he responded "Suckers!"

Shortly thereafter the sun started rising and mall security escorted Producer Joe off the premises.  It was then that I truly realized what was happening. Producer Joe (who introduced himself as "Joe Six Pack" - of course) won over the crowd despite the fact no one really knew who he was...hmmm...that sounds familiar.

And daylight shed light on the masses around me. And it wasn't pretty.

I haven't seen that much flannel in one place since I saw Pearl Jam in concert. In 1994. When grunge was TRENDY.

And the cammo...don't even get me started.

People were dirty. I don't mean rolled out of bed dirty I mean, dirty-clothes-with-holes-and greasy-smelly-hair-teeth-as-yellow-as-butter dirty. I hope Sarah Palin brought some Lysol along with her hand sanitizer!  I always wonder why poor people vote conservative but I digress...

At one point I was directly across from the "stereotypical" conservatives. It did ease my mind to see them there. This was more of what I expected. They all looked like Alex P. Keaton and were talking about how "liberals" send "plants" to events like this and were trying to figure out who the "liberal plants" were. Suddenly, I started to squirm. As they cast their eyes in my direction I suddenly felt like I had forgotten to take my Hillary in 2008 2012 button off my coat. I quickly averted my eyes. "Maybe if I don't move they won't notice me," I thought. It seemed to work. Whew.

Soon another "Producer Joe" type came on the scene but it was not a joke.

This woman was priceless. Check her out...that's her in the red sweatshirt and running pants.

She declared she was a "temporary reporter" for a local AM station, despite the fact she had no microphone, no credentials, no pen and no paper. Hmmm. But what happened? People flocked to her! The old ladies next to me in line were enthralled (just as they were with Producer Joe). This woman was not a reporter! Even an intern would have had a pen and paper. And yet, this crowd...for some strange reason...believed her and played along....without knowing much about her. Hmmmm.

Then some guy who had already made it through the line and had his wristband (oh yeah, because after you stood in line for hours you would have to come back and do it all over again to meet Palin and get your book signed) yelled at my section of the line, "Are you waiting for your Obama money? You're in the Obama money line!"

Suddenly we were approached by a woman looking like she walked out of 1976 (huge glasses, feathered hair and all) peddling Palin in 2012 pins. For real? I suppose it's capitalism at it's finest.

The entire time this little ditty kept going through my head..."I built me a bridge it ain't goin' nowhere...oooh"

Finally I realized I did not belong. I felt like the Alex P. Keatons were giving me the stink eye for not laughing at the "Obama money" joke (because it was sooo funny? because half the people there looked like they are receiving "Obama money?") and I realized I sure as hell had no intention to come back and stand in line again later tonight with these people.

So I left. I was disoriented and cold. And then it hit me...I totally got what I came for. Cable news networks are no longer fair and balanced. Fox News would have reported there were 10,000 people there while TJ on CNN weekend mornings would have declared his undying love for Obama, said no one was there and people were protesting Sarah Palin. I went and saw it first hand. We often hide behind televisions and computer screens rather than getting up and getting involved.

Yes, I am being judgmental (teeth the shade of butter? Low blow, even for me). I told you people I am a total bitch and I'm ok with it. But, after standing in the cold for two hours I feel like I have some credibility to share my experiences.

Sarah Palin...love her, hate her. Regardless, I give her credit for putting herself out there and for the example she sets as a woman who has the family and the career. I just really hope for that little baby's sake (what's his name? Trigg? Track? Trek? Tic? Tac? I can't remember) she packed the Lysol and Purell because there was a whole lotta nasty out there in the flock crowd.